Letters
by EllaCamplin
Summary: One a month for 6 years. She knew she would never get a proper goodbye. Set at the end of Season 5. One Shot.


Dear Scoobies,

I was fifteen when I was called as a slayer. That was the day I found out I was going to die. Not when or how; just that I was going to die one day soon, and that it wouldn't be from natural causes.

I tried to seize the day, make the most of it, but for the last six years, I've prepared for it. Every month I wrote a letter to you all, to my mum, my sister, my watcher and my friends. And every month I'd tear up last months letter. Every torn letter was an achievement. One more month of being here: of not being dead. But since you're reading this, I guess I won't get to tear it up. This is it, my final letter, and words to you all.

Somewhere along the way I've lost my fear of death, I don't know exactly when. Maybe it was after I died the first time; maybe it came with seeing so many people dying; or maybe it came with growing so tired of slaying. I don't know, but I'm not afraid, it's just another part of life-the end part. But I've always been afraid that I won't get to say goodbye, because I know the chances of me living to a ripe old age of 90 and dying surrounded by friends and family is unrealistic, and the reality is that I'll have died doing what I do. Maybe it will be painful, maybe when it happens, I will be afraid, but, if I have any say in it, it will not be in vain. I hope that when I die, it's worth it, and that's the wish that takes away my fear. That in dying, someone else will live, and have the future that I will never get, even if I was alive.

I've had the weight of the world on my shoulders for six years now, and I'm tired. There have been times when all I've wanted to do was run away and hide under my blanket; there have been times when I feel like I'm going insane with all the responsibility and duties that I have. You guys have got me through that. You've always been right behind me, to back me up and help me out. I want to thank you.

Giles, since that first day I walked into the library, you've been a dad to me. You kept me safe, and you haven't failed me. Ever. You once said to me that life was simple, that good triumphed over evil, people never died and that they all lived happily ever after. It was a lie, but it was what I needed to hear then, and you were there to say it. I love you, Dad.

Willow, when I met you I knew you were a great person. You've been such a good friend to me. You kept me going, made me feel like a normal teenage girl. I'm sorry I ever doubted your powers as a Wicca, but I worried about you. Be careful. And I love you.

Xander, my Xander-shaped friend, you've been my rock. You're the one who sees everything. You're the biggest hero of us all, you don't have any super powers or super research skills, but you're always the first to get the donuts and help with the research and the fighting. I love you.

Anya, look after Xander. Take good care of your money. You've been a good friend these last few years. Thank-you.

Tara, look after willow. Love her. Thanks for being there for her, for taking care of her. Thank-you

Dawn. You're always the hardest person to write to. It's been a hard year, but I promise you, it will get better. I will never let anything happen to you. I don't care what anyone says; you are and always have been my sister. Look after yourself, take care of the others. Do well in school. Go to College. Get a job. Marry a nice man and live in a house with a picket fence, 2.5 kids and a SUV. Dawn, live, love, learn and most of all, be happy.

As for me, don't worry about me. I've been living on extra time since I was 15. Now it's time for me to sleep. Take care of yourselves and each other.

I love you all.

Buffy Anne Summers

Do not stand at my grave and weep.  
I am not there I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glints on snow.  
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn's rain.  
When you awaken in the morning hush, I am the swift uplifting rush

of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry:  
I am not there I did not die…

--Christina Rossetti


End file.
